It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
I keep thinking more and more about my Chapter Retreat testimony and the idea of being a slave to something, whether it be physical or emotional. For me, I have been a slave to fitting into a certain category. Not that categories are all bad or that it isn't good to know yourself, but when it becomes an obsession, that's a problem. In all honesty, there are very few people's opinions that mean anything to me. I've always been the person who is like, "well that's you're opinion, get over it". But at the same time, I have struggled with the portrait of myself that I allow the world to see. The slavery I've been under is mental more than anything else.
I have been a slave to being "moral" (whatever that looks like), I have been a slave to being humble (to the point of not taking credit for anything), I have been a slave to outwardly appearing whole, while my insides are ripped apart. This is not meant to be a depressing blog, because I'm moving past all of that!.. But it came to the point that I couldn't handle being moral anymore (and I wanted to test God on that one), I didn't want to be humble (I felt like I deserved to take credit for the good things I did), I showed my brokenness and I acted on it (sometimes to my detriment).
I'm amazed at how construed the image of myself became. I went from one extreme to another. Unfortunately this wasn't much more freeing. I found myself completely unhappy there too. I feel like when I look back I see that God wants me to take these things in moderation. Morality is good, but it can also be a major turn off if you are "all high and mighty acting". I've never felt like I'm a stuck up, but I ***Know*** for a fact that I am afraid to act the fool. I am so easily embarrassed it isn't even funny and I am plagued by my memories of times when I have felt completely embarrassed. I know that sounds silly, but I never wanted to be laughed at, which is usually why I stay out of the center of attention, even to this day.
Having grown up not being razor thin has had an effect on me. I'm not huge by any means, but I don't want to be looked at. My self confidence is definitely lacking in many areas but I think the hardest thing for me is to feel loved. That's never been a problem with my family because we are so touchy feely. Jesus has been pounding at my heart with this. He wants me to let him love me and to show me how others want to love on me in a different way. My self confidence has also been a hindrance in my relationships with guys. Yes, I want that intimate feeling but I have a hard time trusting that a guy would want me because he loves me and not just for other things... (You get the picture).
I see these godly men (who are by no means perfect) and I want them to hold me and look at me like I feel Jesus looks at me. I want to look at him in the same way. Maybe that sounds like a fairy tale, but I think it's real. There is so much of me that I feel the need to share but finding the courage to bring everything out in the open is always hard.
Praise the Lord that I'm doing better. I'm finding my peace and I'm working on my relationship with God. I'm far from getting it down, but I'm still around. I'm still seeking and looking. I still want answers that I might not ever get, but that doesn't keep me from wanting them. I feel like Jesus answers every single prayer that we ask of him, it just isn't the answer we want. But then again, do we always give him the answers he wants...??
Just in case you didn't know.. I love hymns and I'll throw them in frequently.. :)
Song of the day.. There is Power in the Blood
Would you be free from the burden of sin?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Would you o’er evil a victory win?
There’s wonderful power in the blood.
Refrain
There is power, power, wonder working power
In the blood of the Lamb;
There is power, power, wonder working power
In the precious blood of the Lamb.
Would you be free from your passion and pride?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Come for a cleansing to Calvary’s tide;
There’s wonderful power in the blood.
Refrain
Would you be whiter, much whiter than snow?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Sin stains are lost in its life giving flow.
There’s wonderful power in the blood.
Refrain
Would you do service for Jesus your King?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Would you live daily His praises to sing?
There’s wonderful power in the blood.
Refrain
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