Chapter Retreat pt. 2

Here are a few of the next slides of my testimony.

My issues with Perfection and Control:

—- Drive to be the best…. Pushing yourself to the limit…. Nothing is ever good enough short of the perfect grade/game/friendship/body/relationship/interview/ college.

—- Striving for perfection interfered with everything I did

—- COMPLETE LACK OF ABILITY TO DEAL WITH DEATH

—- Abhorrence of change

—- Fear of not doing enough to earn the love I’m given

Explanation/Background of these issues:

-My parents NEVER had to push me to excel… I was my own worst enemy when it came to my grades. I had to be perfect or it was like my world would fall apart. It was never with the intention of getting into a good school, because I was really naive to all of that. It was all a matter of being in control.

-The best example of interference came with sports. I loved Volleyball and Softball, but if I made a mistake I would beat myself up about it. One of the parents of a friend of mine use to pick on me because I would beat myself up on the court (talking to myself). My coach even said to me that I was the only kid he never had to yell at when I messed up, because he knew that I was already doing that to myself.

- In the death department I have problems dealing with someone being taken from me. I have a really close family and it absolutely shakes the Earth underneath my feet at the idea of losing a single person. My grandpa died two days before Thanksgiving when I was in the 6th grade. We buried him on Thanksgiving day and I refused to deal with the anger and hatred for his death and that holiday (respectively) until my freshman year of college.

- I can’t stand it when we change the furniture in the house. Enough said.

-Fear of not doing enough… that says it all.. Fear. I grew up in a family where love is so freely given that it’s unreal. We’re very affectionate, I’m very affectionate (contrary to popular belief) and I come from a family who would give you anything you needed if you were in need. I can’t imagine them not being there and the fear of being alone accompanied with the fear of death absolutely drives me insane.

The Depths of Depression and Getting the heck out!!!

—Full Blown Problem March ’06- May ‘07

—The surface issues…

—-Not having anyone to live with

—-Watching Great-Grandmother pass away

—-Issues with my role on Lead Team

—-My refusal to be a “fake Christian" --> arrival of spiritual gift of bluntness.

—-A Bad relationship that was not based on what God wanted

In the end all of these problems boiled down to a few simple things…

Not giving God the control and my refusal to accept the fact that God loves me for being the person he made me to be.

Explanation of these issues:

- My pride and attempt at perfection was rocked all to hell with the following events. Although there were some other events that aided the process, such as a guy I had somewhat started a relationship with the summer after my freshman year, dying of a massive aneurism and I found out on Christmas day when I called to wish him a Merry Christmas…. But these are the big ones that felt like they were occurring simultaneously.

-Most of my friends had already paired off and that was a REALLY LONELY TIME FOR ME.

- A woman who had helped raise me and taught me to quilt passed away 3 days before I was suppose to move in and begin my Junior year at UNC. She had an aneurysm and I watched her flat line.

-Basically, I signed up for lead team because that is what I thought I was suppose to do. In the end I felt like a fake and a failure because I didn’t feel the pull and drive to pray like everyone else did.

- I was in a relationship with a guy, whom I thought might be the one. Unfortunately, we got caught in the cross fires of the physical aspect of the relationship and not on the spiritual part. Then he sent me an email breaking up with me…. So.. Enough said about that.

-I could not, under any circumstances, accept the fact that even without trying, I AM LOVED. God has given me a big heart to love on people, especially the elderly… I love them (probably because I was raised around nothing but old people) but at this time I could not see past this massive rash of pain that I was going through. I didn’t understand why these bad things were happening to me, when I’d worked so hard to make everyone else happy and proud. I thought I was doing the right thing..

These are the slides for tonight. Yes they are sad and depressing, but I promise that the next ones are encouraging. Thanksgiving was pretty good this year, nothing groundbreaking. Just the usual, cause it's always a party with my family!! I did go see the Abshers (Close friends) and I picked out my Christmas Tree!! It was amazing to get that tree into the house and set it up. There is nothing like walking into the room and smelling a Christmas tree. I also watched the 4th season of Dr. Quinn Medicine woman... so good! I just want to say that I'm still very convicted about continuing to be intentional and I appreciate the thoughts and prayers from this week. God is so amazing. There really is nothing like this life that we've been given. Praise God for a good time at home and for the reminders of how much I am loved! :)