God are you there??
Answer: Duh!
Right now, you are probably like you’re crazy for letting your drive to succeed lead you this far into unhappiness, but the thing is, it is SUCH AN EASY TRAP TO FALL INTO. My drive and obsession was interconnected with EVERYTHING I did.. It was intertwined with my relationships, feelings, emotions… everything! So when all of these things were simultaneously occurring, I was losing myself and I felt like God had let me fall.
There were days and weeks when I couldn’t pray and when my Bible collected more dust than my econ books. I was so ANGRY. I was to the point I would rather talk to a wall than pray to a God who didn’t care. So what did it take to break me? A LOT OF PAIN(because I’m stubborn like that), Prayer, and Grace.
Grace is not always the most tangible thing in the Christian community so here some examples of God’s grace that I received and some grace that I showed myself. I have some really AMAZING friends who loved me enough to say the hard things to me even when I didn’t want to hear it, they prayed for me when I didn’t want to pray, they cried for me when I couldn’t cry anymore, and they sought me out even while I was in the dark places I was hiding. The grace I had for myself involved going to counseling and TALKING MY ISSUES OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL. I openly admitted that I was not all together, at Bible Study (for an entire year), With my friends, with my parents, and most importantly with God. I was like “Here I am, this is me and my junk, and I’m leaving it here. Have a nice day, thank you for shopping at Walmart."
Through the entire time when my faith, mind, and emotions were pulled from here to kingdom come, I found hope in old hymns. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to read the word of God, I got his promises in song. For all you Bible roulette people, I know it’s not the same, but it’s probably the most important thing that kept reminding me of how much I’m loved. Even without the music, the words enveloped my heart and protected it. I’ve always loved them, that’s the type of church I grew up in and there is nothing more comforting than the old piano in our 250 year old wooden church on Easter Morning, nestled in the graveyard, playing out those tunes with the natural acoustics of the room and voices raised in praise as the sun rises over those tombstones.
I’m a work in progress, kinda like UNC’s Campus (under construction)
Explanation:
Life isn’t always peachy. I still slip into a mood where I want to be in control, but I’m getting better about realizing what is feasible.
I still wrestle with my issues with death. I joke about it a lot, but I still find it to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with.
I still struggle with reading my Bible, but I am still reminded of the promises he has already fulfilled for me.
Why did I tell you all of this?? Because I want you to think about everything you do and your motivations for them. Yes!!!! It’s noble to want to save the world, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to get very far. Take life one day at a time. If you live for tomorrow, you’ll miss today and all of it’s beauty. Before all of this, I thought I had been broken, but I didn’t know the half of it.
It is by the grace of God that I have overcome this mess. It is through my faith and the faith of those who were praying for me that I am here to give my testimony. I have received so much feedback from this talk that I am in awe of the Lord's work. Praise God for the blessings I have been shown, but also praise God for the hard times because those blessings are even more powerful.
“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
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