Sweet Baby Jesus...

I am beginning this blog by reiterating how much crap that I have to get done for finals. I have 4 NOVELS to read (omg...), an econ homework to do, a paper to write, and somewhere in all of that, I need to sleep! Luckily, I'm still on the God high and I'm still being reminded about how much I am loved. God doesn't forget his children, so I'm resting in the thought that this is temporary stuff. He won't give me any more than he thinks I can handle. With that being said, I'm just going to keep treading water... :)

Luckily, I was reading a book this morning and the author is speaking about Mary and Martha.. and I turned to my Bible for a little refresher.. I'm going to take Jesus' words to heart.

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."


Right now.... Jesus is saying Leslie, Leslie...

Stress

I'm sitting in the union taking a break from doing any kind of work. I'm so tired! Finally falling asleep last night was nothing short of a miracle. I watched the clock until 3:30ish. What can you do?? By the time it is that late, you can't take anything for fear that you'll be so drugged up in class or you won't even wake up for class. Seeing that I had a paper due this morning in my 9:30 class, the pills weren't an option. Anyways, I fiddled around until I felt tired enough to sleep.

So here I am in the union watching people and I find it interesting how we all cope with stress. Places like the union and Davis have become increasingly packed due to the rapidly approaching exams. So here's a little update on people. One girl is going to town with her many highlighters on an unsuspecting paper... poor thing. Another chick is stretched out in a chair (head and neck hanging over the sides) with her book lying on her chest. So many people are blankly staring at the screens on their computers. Others seem to be doing the same thing I'm doing.... taking a break. Oh exams! We all start getting anxious and begin realizing that some classes were an absolute waste of time and others were the best of the best.

Here are a few helpful stress busters...
1) Breathe Slowly and Deeply
2) Maintain good posture (bad posture can lead to muscle tension and pain)
3) Drink plenty of water
4) Eat small nutritious snacks
5) Go outdoors for a brief break
6) Plan something rewarding for yourself at the end of the day

Chapter Retreat pt. 3

Finale!

God are you there??
Answer: Duh!

—My resources

—Counseling (CWS- UNC free service)

—Medication (yes)

—Bible Study (Through it all, I never left.)

—Discipleship (With my best friend)

—Reading Hymns (I love them)

—My Grandma (The Preacher)

—Faith (Yes it was still there)

Explanation:

Right now, you are probably like you’re crazy for letting your drive to succeed lead you this far into unhappiness, but the thing is, it is SUCH AN EASY TRAP TO FALL INTO. My drive and obsession was interconnected with EVERYTHING I did.. It was intertwined with my relationships, feelings, emotions… everything! So when all of these things were simultaneously occurring, I was losing myself and I felt like God had let me fall.

There were days and weeks when I couldn’t pray and when my Bible collected more dust than my econ books. I was so ANGRY. I was to the point I would rather talk to a wall than pray to a God who didn’t care. So what did it take to break me? A LOT OF PAIN(because I’m stubborn like that), Prayer, and Grace.

Grace is not always the most tangible thing in the Christian community so here some examples of God’s grace that I received and some grace that I showed myself. I have some really AMAZING friends who loved me enough to say the hard things to me even when I didn’t want to hear it, they prayed for me when I didn’t want to pray, they cried for me when I couldn’t cry anymore, and they sought me out even while I was in the dark places I was hiding. The grace I had for myself involved going to counseling and TALKING MY ISSUES OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL. I openly admitted that I was not all together, at Bible Study (for an entire year), With my friends, with my parents, and most importantly with God. I was like “Here I am, this is me and my junk, and I’m leaving it here. Have a nice day, thank you for shopping at Walmart."

Through the entire time when my faith, mind, and emotions were pulled from here to kingdom come, I found hope in old hymns. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to read the word of God, I got his promises in song. For all you Bible roulette people, I know it’s not the same, but it’s probably the most important thing that kept reminding me of how much I’m loved. Even without the music, the words enveloped my heart and protected it. I’ve always loved them, that’s the type of church I grew up in and there is nothing more comforting than the old piano in our 250 year old wooden church on Easter Morning, nestled in the graveyard, playing out those tunes with the natural acoustics of the room and voices raised in praise as the sun rises over those tombstones.

Where am I now???

—I’m HERE.

—I’m PRESENT.

—I’m CONTENT.

—I’m in love with a God who First Loved ME!

I’m a work in progress, kinda like UNC’s Campus (under construction)

Explanation:

Life isn’t always peachy. I still slip into a mood where I want to be in control, but I’m getting better about realizing what is feasible.

I still wrestle with my issues with death. I joke about it a lot, but I still find it to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

I still struggle with reading my Bible, but I am still reminded of the promises he has already fulfilled for me.

Why did I tell you all of this?? Because I want you to think about everything you do and your motivations for them. Yes!!!! It’s noble to want to save the world, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to get very far. Take life one day at a time. If you live for tomorrow, you’ll miss today and all of it’s beauty. Before all of this, I thought I had been broken, but I didn’t know the half of it.



It is by the grace of God that I have overcome this mess. It is through my faith and the faith of those who were praying for me that I am here to give my testimony. I have received so much feedback from this talk that I am in awe of the Lord's work. Praise God for the blessings I have been shown, but also praise God for the hard times because those blessings are even more powerful.

“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Chapter Retreat pt. 2

Here are a few of the next slides of my testimony.

My issues with Perfection and Control:

—- Drive to be the best…. Pushing yourself to the limit…. Nothing is ever good enough short of the perfect grade/game/friendship/body/relationship/interview/ college.

—- Striving for perfection interfered with everything I did

—- COMPLETE LACK OF ABILITY TO DEAL WITH DEATH

—- Abhorrence of change

—- Fear of not doing enough to earn the love I’m given

Explanation/Background of these issues:

-My parents NEVER had to push me to excel… I was my own worst enemy when it came to my grades. I had to be perfect or it was like my world would fall apart. It was never with the intention of getting into a good school, because I was really naive to all of that. It was all a matter of being in control.

-The best example of interference came with sports. I loved Volleyball and Softball, but if I made a mistake I would beat myself up about it. One of the parents of a friend of mine use to pick on me because I would beat myself up on the court (talking to myself). My coach even said to me that I was the only kid he never had to yell at when I messed up, because he knew that I was already doing that to myself.

- In the death department I have problems dealing with someone being taken from me. I have a really close family and it absolutely shakes the Earth underneath my feet at the idea of losing a single person. My grandpa died two days before Thanksgiving when I was in the 6th grade. We buried him on Thanksgiving day and I refused to deal with the anger and hatred for his death and that holiday (respectively) until my freshman year of college.

- I can’t stand it when we change the furniture in the house. Enough said.

-Fear of not doing enough… that says it all.. Fear. I grew up in a family where love is so freely given that it’s unreal. We’re very affectionate, I’m very affectionate (contrary to popular belief) and I come from a family who would give you anything you needed if you were in need. I can’t imagine them not being there and the fear of being alone accompanied with the fear of death absolutely drives me insane.

The Depths of Depression and Getting the heck out!!!

—Full Blown Problem March ’06- May ‘07

—The surface issues…

—-Not having anyone to live with

—-Watching Great-Grandmother pass away

—-Issues with my role on Lead Team

—-My refusal to be a “fake Christian" --> arrival of spiritual gift of bluntness.

—-A Bad relationship that was not based on what God wanted

In the end all of these problems boiled down to a few simple things…

Not giving God the control and my refusal to accept the fact that God loves me for being the person he made me to be.

Explanation of these issues:

- My pride and attempt at perfection was rocked all to hell with the following events. Although there were some other events that aided the process, such as a guy I had somewhat started a relationship with the summer after my freshman year, dying of a massive aneurism and I found out on Christmas day when I called to wish him a Merry Christmas…. But these are the big ones that felt like they were occurring simultaneously.

-Most of my friends had already paired off and that was a REALLY LONELY TIME FOR ME.

- A woman who had helped raise me and taught me to quilt passed away 3 days before I was suppose to move in and begin my Junior year at UNC. She had an aneurysm and I watched her flat line.

-Basically, I signed up for lead team because that is what I thought I was suppose to do. In the end I felt like a fake and a failure because I didn’t feel the pull and drive to pray like everyone else did.

- I was in a relationship with a guy, whom I thought might be the one. Unfortunately, we got caught in the cross fires of the physical aspect of the relationship and not on the spiritual part. Then he sent me an email breaking up with me…. So.. Enough said about that.

-I could not, under any circumstances, accept the fact that even without trying, I AM LOVED. God has given me a big heart to love on people, especially the elderly… I love them (probably because I was raised around nothing but old people) but at this time I could not see past this massive rash of pain that I was going through. I didn’t understand why these bad things were happening to me, when I’d worked so hard to make everyone else happy and proud. I thought I was doing the right thing..

These are the slides for tonight. Yes they are sad and depressing, but I promise that the next ones are encouraging. Thanksgiving was pretty good this year, nothing groundbreaking. Just the usual, cause it's always a party with my family!! I did go see the Abshers (Close friends) and I picked out my Christmas Tree!! It was amazing to get that tree into the house and set it up. There is nothing like walking into the room and smelling a Christmas tree. I also watched the 4th season of Dr. Quinn Medicine woman... so good! I just want to say that I'm still very convicted about continuing to be intentional and I appreciate the thoughts and prayers from this week. God is so amazing. There really is nothing like this life that we've been given. Praise God for a good time at home and for the reminders of how much I am loved! :)

My Chapter Retreat talk pt 1... and some thoughts...

Testimony Title: If perfection isn't attainable then why do we do it??

The "Allergen" perfection and signs you are affected by it:

1.You go to UNC

2.If you make something and it looks right, you’ll find something wrong with it and GOD FORBID YOU ACCEPT HELP

3.You are a bigger critic of yourself than your parents

4.You have nightmares that people will see you fail

5.You are haunted by past failures/embarrassing moments/ flub-ups.. Etc.

6.Your friends call you and you’re in Davis doing homework for next month

7.You develop stomach ulcers/ eating disorders/ studying disorders/ sleep disorders/exercise disorders all while trying to achieve the dean’s list

8.You constantly degrade yourself

9.You can’t accept anything that diverts from your plans.

The "annoying rash" that results from perfection (sinful results)

1.You are OBSESSED with details (You can’t see the forest for the trees)

2.You refuse to rely on anyone but yourself to handle your burdens.. Especially the J-man

3.You walk away from fellowship/make it look like you’re in fellowship and are doing fine

4.Trying anything and everything to prove that you don’t need Jesus or his “rules”

5.Just for once, you want to not think, so you find outlets in drinking, drugs, sex (basically bucking the system any way you can where there might be “shades of gray” in the Bible)

6.You are so angry and you don’t know why

7.You are so fed up with the way people don’t match up with your expectations of what “real friends” should be

8.You won’t admit you have any problems, especially with control.


These are just the first two slides from my talk so there is a lot here to go through. One thing about lists that is important to people is their visibility. I wrote these two slides as a presentation of our motivations for trying to control our situation and goals toward achieving perfection. The results are not all encompassing, I'm sure there are MANY more sinful effects that result, these are just the ones I have dealt with myself or seen in my friends. I really thought that for my testimony to be effective, I had to give some concrete examples. Granted not all of these strivings lead to sin, but if the Lord isn't behind the goals you have set for yourself and you leave him out of your plans, then it isn't going to work. I think the biggest deal is how well we juggle our abilities that we know we have and the abilities that we think we have.

I really want to thank everyone who has encouraged me in my testimony and the validity of the things I said. I especially want to thank Jenny King for praying for me before my talk, it really was encouraging to hear her words. I'm coming off of a high from this weekend. Even though I'm tired, I'm so inspired by the men and women in our chapter. This really is going to be a year blessed by the Lord. I encourage all the men and women of the chapter to be in prayer for each other, hold each other accountable, and tell people when they have been praying for them. It makes all the difference!!! Time for bed, the rest will come later! God Bless....



Scripture Tonight:
Hebrews 11:1

The Amazingness that is Chapter Retreat!

So, going into this weekend I was worried that I wasn't going to make much of a point in my testimony, but I can't negate the power of the Lord to move where people are gathered in his name. Since this was my last Chapter Retreat, I was not going to miss it for the world. I just want to highlight a few things that I don't think I'll ever forget.

1) All six of our testimonies came together cleanly and intertwined really amazingly. Especially considering that we did not get together to practice and I don't think many of us knew what the other people were talking about, we just had our main theme... "How to lose your life in 3 days"

2) Our fearless coordinator Christina (Tina to a few) Harris really did well to work out all of our logistics, money issues, and small groups (several times)

3) The feedback that we all received from everyone who heard our testimonies was amazing. It was really encouraging to hear people take the things and ideas we said to heart and apply our methods to their own lives.

4) The senior flour prank on the Juniors. Priceless

5) The dance party... lets just say we rocked

6) Funky Chicken and Train Wreck.... it was good... so good

7) Class time: I felt like we all connected so well and just had a good time having intentional conversation about our life goals (or lack there of). I think we all realized what kind of friends we have in this community and how much of a blessing God was giving us when he brought us all to IV... and we came from many different walks of life (that is for sure)!

8) The highlight from every single year... women's prayer. Praise GOD for these women to be open, honest, raw, and intentional with fears, problems, life issues, the past, with God, with faith, with body image.... the list goes on and on. Praise God for those who prayed over everyone else. There were a lot of us doing both. I praise God for those who prayed over me, their voices struck my heart. God is faithful and he wants me to be in love with him. The men had their own prayer, but naturally I was in the women's. I heard it went well :)

I've just come back to UNC convicted about my friendships and my relationships. It's even more important to me than ever before to maintain the relationships that I already have with people and to continue to build new ones along with the old. I'll be posting my notes from my talk on my next blog if you're interested in what I said. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate the laughter, participation, and attention that was given to me during my talk. Praise God for all of you! I am encouraged by you all!

Song of the night: "Before the Throne of God Above"

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!

Alleluia, Alleluia, Praise the one, risen son of God.

Relationships..

Like most women my age, we always think about relationships. It's funny that I think we think about relationships about as much as men think about sex.. yeah, I don't have any evidence to back that up, but I feel like it's a lot. So anyways, I was just looking around at all of my friends who are in serious relationships and I wonder where my Mr Right is. I don't want Mr. Perfect, I want Mr. Right for Leslie. It's not that I'm looking to rush into anything, I've just been thinking about the level of commitment necessary to be in a relationship. At the same time, I think it is really exciting about the idea of being so committed and in love with a person that you are a partner and an equal.

Ok, that's enough love talk for one night.. :)

Life's good.

Pray for Chapter Retreat tomorrow!!! I'm speaking Saturday and it's going to be great!