Sorry

Forgive me for ignoring my blogging for a while, I'm sure no one really cares. I'll probably be increasingly absent until next semester, or at least until exams are over. I had my first exam yesterday and today I've been sleeping, sleeping, cooking, and chillin. Oh, I worked out too. Tomorrow begins another day of studying!! Uggh! Well Cheers to everyone! It will all be over soon!

Go West Montgomery tomorrow! We're playing in the state championship game!! WAHOO!!

What have I been doin?

Naturally, life has been hectic here on the hill for the past few days. I have finished 4 of the 5 novels that I need to finish. I've already read the last on in a previous year, so I will be taking full advantage of sparknotes.. :)

I've been in a tizzy of sorts about those darn books, but I'm beginning to calm down. Oh... my time in Troy will not come soon enough. I am EXTREMELY excited to say that tomorrow is my last day of Economics EVER!!!! WAHOOOOO... with the exception of the exam!

On another note, praise God for Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, it has definitely helped me relax before bed.

Stay in prayer for our campus, this time of year is crazy!

Christmas Season...

So I'm in the midst of going crazy getting some books read for classes and finals next week. However, I just want to say that there are Christmas gifts sitting in the corner of my room and they want to be wrapped. So I might just go take some time to wrap a few. I feel like this would make me feel good. Good luck with exams everyone!!! It's gonna be fun!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Sweet Baby Jesus...

I am beginning this blog by reiterating how much crap that I have to get done for finals. I have 4 NOVELS to read (omg...), an econ homework to do, a paper to write, and somewhere in all of that, I need to sleep! Luckily, I'm still on the God high and I'm still being reminded about how much I am loved. God doesn't forget his children, so I'm resting in the thought that this is temporary stuff. He won't give me any more than he thinks I can handle. With that being said, I'm just going to keep treading water... :)

Luckily, I was reading a book this morning and the author is speaking about Mary and Martha.. and I turned to my Bible for a little refresher.. I'm going to take Jesus' words to heart.

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."


Right now.... Jesus is saying Leslie, Leslie...

Stress

I'm sitting in the union taking a break from doing any kind of work. I'm so tired! Finally falling asleep last night was nothing short of a miracle. I watched the clock until 3:30ish. What can you do?? By the time it is that late, you can't take anything for fear that you'll be so drugged up in class or you won't even wake up for class. Seeing that I had a paper due this morning in my 9:30 class, the pills weren't an option. Anyways, I fiddled around until I felt tired enough to sleep.

So here I am in the union watching people and I find it interesting how we all cope with stress. Places like the union and Davis have become increasingly packed due to the rapidly approaching exams. So here's a little update on people. One girl is going to town with her many highlighters on an unsuspecting paper... poor thing. Another chick is stretched out in a chair (head and neck hanging over the sides) with her book lying on her chest. So many people are blankly staring at the screens on their computers. Others seem to be doing the same thing I'm doing.... taking a break. Oh exams! We all start getting anxious and begin realizing that some classes were an absolute waste of time and others were the best of the best.

Here are a few helpful stress busters...
1) Breathe Slowly and Deeply
2) Maintain good posture (bad posture can lead to muscle tension and pain)
3) Drink plenty of water
4) Eat small nutritious snacks
5) Go outdoors for a brief break
6) Plan something rewarding for yourself at the end of the day

Chapter Retreat pt. 3

Finale!

God are you there??
Answer: Duh!

—My resources

—Counseling (CWS- UNC free service)

—Medication (yes)

—Bible Study (Through it all, I never left.)

—Discipleship (With my best friend)

—Reading Hymns (I love them)

—My Grandma (The Preacher)

—Faith (Yes it was still there)

Explanation:

Right now, you are probably like you’re crazy for letting your drive to succeed lead you this far into unhappiness, but the thing is, it is SUCH AN EASY TRAP TO FALL INTO. My drive and obsession was interconnected with EVERYTHING I did.. It was intertwined with my relationships, feelings, emotions… everything! So when all of these things were simultaneously occurring, I was losing myself and I felt like God had let me fall.

There were days and weeks when I couldn’t pray and when my Bible collected more dust than my econ books. I was so ANGRY. I was to the point I would rather talk to a wall than pray to a God who didn’t care. So what did it take to break me? A LOT OF PAIN(because I’m stubborn like that), Prayer, and Grace.

Grace is not always the most tangible thing in the Christian community so here some examples of God’s grace that I received and some grace that I showed myself. I have some really AMAZING friends who loved me enough to say the hard things to me even when I didn’t want to hear it, they prayed for me when I didn’t want to pray, they cried for me when I couldn’t cry anymore, and they sought me out even while I was in the dark places I was hiding. The grace I had for myself involved going to counseling and TALKING MY ISSUES OUT WITH A PROFESSIONAL. I openly admitted that I was not all together, at Bible Study (for an entire year), With my friends, with my parents, and most importantly with God. I was like “Here I am, this is me and my junk, and I’m leaving it here. Have a nice day, thank you for shopping at Walmart."

Through the entire time when my faith, mind, and emotions were pulled from here to kingdom come, I found hope in old hymns. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to read the word of God, I got his promises in song. For all you Bible roulette people, I know it’s not the same, but it’s probably the most important thing that kept reminding me of how much I’m loved. Even without the music, the words enveloped my heart and protected it. I’ve always loved them, that’s the type of church I grew up in and there is nothing more comforting than the old piano in our 250 year old wooden church on Easter Morning, nestled in the graveyard, playing out those tunes with the natural acoustics of the room and voices raised in praise as the sun rises over those tombstones.

Where am I now???

—I’m HERE.

—I’m PRESENT.

—I’m CONTENT.

—I’m in love with a God who First Loved ME!

I’m a work in progress, kinda like UNC’s Campus (under construction)

Explanation:

Life isn’t always peachy. I still slip into a mood where I want to be in control, but I’m getting better about realizing what is feasible.

I still wrestle with my issues with death. I joke about it a lot, but I still find it to be one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

I still struggle with reading my Bible, but I am still reminded of the promises he has already fulfilled for me.

Why did I tell you all of this?? Because I want you to think about everything you do and your motivations for them. Yes!!!! It’s noble to want to save the world, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to get very far. Take life one day at a time. If you live for tomorrow, you’ll miss today and all of it’s beauty. Before all of this, I thought I had been broken, but I didn’t know the half of it.



It is by the grace of God that I have overcome this mess. It is through my faith and the faith of those who were praying for me that I am here to give my testimony. I have received so much feedback from this talk that I am in awe of the Lord's work. Praise God for the blessings I have been shown, but also praise God for the hard times because those blessings are even more powerful.

“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Chapter Retreat pt. 2

Here are a few of the next slides of my testimony.

My issues with Perfection and Control:

—- Drive to be the best…. Pushing yourself to the limit…. Nothing is ever good enough short of the perfect grade/game/friendship/body/relationship/interview/ college.

—- Striving for perfection interfered with everything I did

—- COMPLETE LACK OF ABILITY TO DEAL WITH DEATH

—- Abhorrence of change

—- Fear of not doing enough to earn the love I’m given

Explanation/Background of these issues:

-My parents NEVER had to push me to excel… I was my own worst enemy when it came to my grades. I had to be perfect or it was like my world would fall apart. It was never with the intention of getting into a good school, because I was really naive to all of that. It was all a matter of being in control.

-The best example of interference came with sports. I loved Volleyball and Softball, but if I made a mistake I would beat myself up about it. One of the parents of a friend of mine use to pick on me because I would beat myself up on the court (talking to myself). My coach even said to me that I was the only kid he never had to yell at when I messed up, because he knew that I was already doing that to myself.

- In the death department I have problems dealing with someone being taken from me. I have a really close family and it absolutely shakes the Earth underneath my feet at the idea of losing a single person. My grandpa died two days before Thanksgiving when I was in the 6th grade. We buried him on Thanksgiving day and I refused to deal with the anger and hatred for his death and that holiday (respectively) until my freshman year of college.

- I can’t stand it when we change the furniture in the house. Enough said.

-Fear of not doing enough… that says it all.. Fear. I grew up in a family where love is so freely given that it’s unreal. We’re very affectionate, I’m very affectionate (contrary to popular belief) and I come from a family who would give you anything you needed if you were in need. I can’t imagine them not being there and the fear of being alone accompanied with the fear of death absolutely drives me insane.

The Depths of Depression and Getting the heck out!!!

—Full Blown Problem March ’06- May ‘07

—The surface issues…

—-Not having anyone to live with

—-Watching Great-Grandmother pass away

—-Issues with my role on Lead Team

—-My refusal to be a “fake Christian" --> arrival of spiritual gift of bluntness.

—-A Bad relationship that was not based on what God wanted

In the end all of these problems boiled down to a few simple things…

Not giving God the control and my refusal to accept the fact that God loves me for being the person he made me to be.

Explanation of these issues:

- My pride and attempt at perfection was rocked all to hell with the following events. Although there were some other events that aided the process, such as a guy I had somewhat started a relationship with the summer after my freshman year, dying of a massive aneurism and I found out on Christmas day when I called to wish him a Merry Christmas…. But these are the big ones that felt like they were occurring simultaneously.

-Most of my friends had already paired off and that was a REALLY LONELY TIME FOR ME.

- A woman who had helped raise me and taught me to quilt passed away 3 days before I was suppose to move in and begin my Junior year at UNC. She had an aneurysm and I watched her flat line.

-Basically, I signed up for lead team because that is what I thought I was suppose to do. In the end I felt like a fake and a failure because I didn’t feel the pull and drive to pray like everyone else did.

- I was in a relationship with a guy, whom I thought might be the one. Unfortunately, we got caught in the cross fires of the physical aspect of the relationship and not on the spiritual part. Then he sent me an email breaking up with me…. So.. Enough said about that.

-I could not, under any circumstances, accept the fact that even without trying, I AM LOVED. God has given me a big heart to love on people, especially the elderly… I love them (probably because I was raised around nothing but old people) but at this time I could not see past this massive rash of pain that I was going through. I didn’t understand why these bad things were happening to me, when I’d worked so hard to make everyone else happy and proud. I thought I was doing the right thing..

These are the slides for tonight. Yes they are sad and depressing, but I promise that the next ones are encouraging. Thanksgiving was pretty good this year, nothing groundbreaking. Just the usual, cause it's always a party with my family!! I did go see the Abshers (Close friends) and I picked out my Christmas Tree!! It was amazing to get that tree into the house and set it up. There is nothing like walking into the room and smelling a Christmas tree. I also watched the 4th season of Dr. Quinn Medicine woman... so good! I just want to say that I'm still very convicted about continuing to be intentional and I appreciate the thoughts and prayers from this week. God is so amazing. There really is nothing like this life that we've been given. Praise God for a good time at home and for the reminders of how much I am loved! :)

My Chapter Retreat talk pt 1... and some thoughts...

Testimony Title: If perfection isn't attainable then why do we do it??

The "Allergen" perfection and signs you are affected by it:

1.You go to UNC

2.If you make something and it looks right, you’ll find something wrong with it and GOD FORBID YOU ACCEPT HELP

3.You are a bigger critic of yourself than your parents

4.You have nightmares that people will see you fail

5.You are haunted by past failures/embarrassing moments/ flub-ups.. Etc.

6.Your friends call you and you’re in Davis doing homework for next month

7.You develop stomach ulcers/ eating disorders/ studying disorders/ sleep disorders/exercise disorders all while trying to achieve the dean’s list

8.You constantly degrade yourself

9.You can’t accept anything that diverts from your plans.

The "annoying rash" that results from perfection (sinful results)

1.You are OBSESSED with details (You can’t see the forest for the trees)

2.You refuse to rely on anyone but yourself to handle your burdens.. Especially the J-man

3.You walk away from fellowship/make it look like you’re in fellowship and are doing fine

4.Trying anything and everything to prove that you don’t need Jesus or his “rules”

5.Just for once, you want to not think, so you find outlets in drinking, drugs, sex (basically bucking the system any way you can where there might be “shades of gray” in the Bible)

6.You are so angry and you don’t know why

7.You are so fed up with the way people don’t match up with your expectations of what “real friends” should be

8.You won’t admit you have any problems, especially with control.


These are just the first two slides from my talk so there is a lot here to go through. One thing about lists that is important to people is their visibility. I wrote these two slides as a presentation of our motivations for trying to control our situation and goals toward achieving perfection. The results are not all encompassing, I'm sure there are MANY more sinful effects that result, these are just the ones I have dealt with myself or seen in my friends. I really thought that for my testimony to be effective, I had to give some concrete examples. Granted not all of these strivings lead to sin, but if the Lord isn't behind the goals you have set for yourself and you leave him out of your plans, then it isn't going to work. I think the biggest deal is how well we juggle our abilities that we know we have and the abilities that we think we have.

I really want to thank everyone who has encouraged me in my testimony and the validity of the things I said. I especially want to thank Jenny King for praying for me before my talk, it really was encouraging to hear her words. I'm coming off of a high from this weekend. Even though I'm tired, I'm so inspired by the men and women in our chapter. This really is going to be a year blessed by the Lord. I encourage all the men and women of the chapter to be in prayer for each other, hold each other accountable, and tell people when they have been praying for them. It makes all the difference!!! Time for bed, the rest will come later! God Bless....



Scripture Tonight:
Hebrews 11:1

The Amazingness that is Chapter Retreat!

So, going into this weekend I was worried that I wasn't going to make much of a point in my testimony, but I can't negate the power of the Lord to move where people are gathered in his name. Since this was my last Chapter Retreat, I was not going to miss it for the world. I just want to highlight a few things that I don't think I'll ever forget.

1) All six of our testimonies came together cleanly and intertwined really amazingly. Especially considering that we did not get together to practice and I don't think many of us knew what the other people were talking about, we just had our main theme... "How to lose your life in 3 days"

2) Our fearless coordinator Christina (Tina to a few) Harris really did well to work out all of our logistics, money issues, and small groups (several times)

3) The feedback that we all received from everyone who heard our testimonies was amazing. It was really encouraging to hear people take the things and ideas we said to heart and apply our methods to their own lives.

4) The senior flour prank on the Juniors. Priceless

5) The dance party... lets just say we rocked

6) Funky Chicken and Train Wreck.... it was good... so good

7) Class time: I felt like we all connected so well and just had a good time having intentional conversation about our life goals (or lack there of). I think we all realized what kind of friends we have in this community and how much of a blessing God was giving us when he brought us all to IV... and we came from many different walks of life (that is for sure)!

8) The highlight from every single year... women's prayer. Praise GOD for these women to be open, honest, raw, and intentional with fears, problems, life issues, the past, with God, with faith, with body image.... the list goes on and on. Praise God for those who prayed over everyone else. There were a lot of us doing both. I praise God for those who prayed over me, their voices struck my heart. God is faithful and he wants me to be in love with him. The men had their own prayer, but naturally I was in the women's. I heard it went well :)

I've just come back to UNC convicted about my friendships and my relationships. It's even more important to me than ever before to maintain the relationships that I already have with people and to continue to build new ones along with the old. I'll be posting my notes from my talk on my next blog if you're interested in what I said. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate the laughter, participation, and attention that was given to me during my talk. Praise God for all of you! I am encouraged by you all!

Song of the night: "Before the Throne of God Above"

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!

Alleluia, Alleluia, Praise the one, risen son of God.

Relationships..

Like most women my age, we always think about relationships. It's funny that I think we think about relationships about as much as men think about sex.. yeah, I don't have any evidence to back that up, but I feel like it's a lot. So anyways, I was just looking around at all of my friends who are in serious relationships and I wonder where my Mr Right is. I don't want Mr. Perfect, I want Mr. Right for Leslie. It's not that I'm looking to rush into anything, I've just been thinking about the level of commitment necessary to be in a relationship. At the same time, I think it is really exciting about the idea of being so committed and in love with a person that you are a partner and an equal.

Ok, that's enough love talk for one night.. :)

Life's good.

Pray for Chapter Retreat tomorrow!!! I'm speaking Saturday and it's going to be great!

Donating Blood.

Today, I donated blood to the American Red Cross for the 9th time. So currently, I've donated just over a gallon. This is not something I pat myself on the back for because it really isn't about that. Blood only stays good for something like 46 days. I was just thinking if something ever happened to my parents or family members and they didn't have a blood supply to help them, I would not be happy. But like many things in this life, you shouldn't complain if you don't to something about it. So as long as I'm able to donate, I will. So I encourage you all to donate as often as you can. Life is far too short and I know that there are a lot of selfless people in the world who would give up a lot to help other people out.

On the same note, I am an organ and tissue donor. It is my prayer that more people would be willing to offer the possibility of life once they're gone. I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon, but it's not about my plans or anyone else. So if you read this, think about it, pray about it, talk to your family about it. I look at it this way, Jesus took his final breath for us and made us new with his blood, this might be a way to pass on some of the love of Christ.

Thank the Lord for a WONDERFUL day!


Song of the day: Silver and Gold by Dolly Parton

Well, I met an old man walkin down the street
His clothes were torn and tattered
With sandals on his feet
And I stopped to help him
And lend him a hand
He said, I love you so much
But you must understand
1st chorus:

Silver and gold might buy you a home
But things of this world
They wont last you long
And time has a way of turning us old
And time cant be bought back with silver and gold

And he said to me, lets rest for awhile
For I have some good news to share with you, child
He said, you cant change this old world
The people need to know
That a dear savior died here
A long, long time ago

Repeat 1st chorus

His eyes shown like diamonds
And his smile was heaven sent
His hair was long and flowing
And his back was slightly bent
And I knew he knew it
For that day I changed
As I watched him walk on
I forgot to get his name

2nd chorus:

He said, silver and gold cant buy you a home
When this life has ended
And your time is gone
But you can live in a world where
Youll never grow old
And things cant be bought there with silver and gold

Ode to a beautiful day..

Yet again, I overslept my alarm... well actually it didn't go off, so I didn't oversleep it- I just didn't set it right. It's ok though, considering I woke up at 9:12 and was in class, dressed and prepared by 9:37. Go Leslie! It's a good thing that I'm not as high maintenance as I use to be. There was a time (eons ago) when I would have never been able to get up and go. OH HOW COLLEGE CHANGES PEOPLE!

Tomorrow's the blood drive in the great hall. I'll be donating at 11 after my first class, so if anyone wants to join me, feel free!

I've been going through some scripture and I've found a proverb that I really like. Here it is:

Before his downfall, a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor. Proverbs 18:12

Just something to think about.


Song for the day: Bubbly by Colbie Caillat

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
please stay for a while now
Just take your time where ever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under cover staying SAFE and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes make me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now
Just take your time wherever you go

But what am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just...mmmmmmmm


It starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now
Just take your time
Where ever you go

Duh duh duh duh duh da duh duh duh duh dum
Bom bo da da da da da bom
Mmm mmm

I've been a sleep for awhile now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose the feeling shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time
now holding me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
wherever, wherever, wherever you go

Oh wherever you go I always know
You make me smile just for a while

Jesus Paid it All....

So, as I've been reading and researching in both books and my soul my Chapter Retreat testimony, I've come across several hymns that really helped sing to my soul over the past few years. Having gone through all of this, I'm just so thankful for all of the support that I've received. God has blessed me so greatly and my burdens were taken before I even had to think about dealing with them. Praise God for a wonderful week ahead and I genuinely hope that this weekend is as much of a blessing to the younger IVers as the past ones have been to me. It's time for the class of '08 to shine!


Song of the night: Jesus Paid It All

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Refrain

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim,
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.

Refrain

And now complete in Him
My robe His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Refrain

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

Refrain

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

Refrain

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down
All down at Jesus’ feet.

Refrain

Anchorman

Yes, I know I'm one of a few... but I absolutely despise Anchorman, along with many other of Will's films. So today I had to write a paper on this movie.. So not only did I have to watch this painful movie, but I also had to write a painful paper.

I'm currently resting my brain and enjoying some Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman season 3!! WAHOO

My hat's off to last night's redneck party was something so sweet! It was such a good time! I just want to say thanks for all of the fun times. I greatly enjoyed the redneck games, the redneck horse shoes really allowed me to show off some hidden talent!

I'm really excited about Christmas too!! Yay for Christmas shopping! I loved the bells filling the air, the lights, the music, the clothing, the people buying gifts for others! It's just so exciting. I really love to take time searching for to perfect gift to fit a personality. I'm really excited about going home for the holidays! It's going to be such a great time! Lord, help me write my testimony! It's going to go so well... I'm super excited!


Song of the night: If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

A book that I don't know how I feel about

So, most people know that I have picked up an English minor (which I'm super excited about). Unfortunately, I read this book called "Bastard out of Carolina (South Carolina)" for one of my classes. Basically, the story revolves around a little girl who is illegitimate and living with her mom and younger sister. Her mother remarries and the guy is a real jerk to her. The family has all these problems (drunken Uncles, cancer ridden aunt, lesbian aunt, high strung/crazy grandma, only friend might be the spawn of Satan, and her daddy molests/beats/rapes her). These are just a few of the issues the family has. I just can not bring myself to make peace with the ending of this book. The mother chose her husband over her child because she "loved" him, even though she walked in on him raping and almost beating her child to death. It wasn't as though the mother didn't try to protect her child, but it was one of those relationships where "she loves him and he can change".

I guess I don't understand why a mother would choose to leave her child with one of her aunts and go off with the other child (whom the daddy likes) and the father to make a new life somewhere else. I didn't grow up in a family structure that was anything like that. My mother would go to hell and back to save us from anything or anyone who wanted to hurt us. She would NEVER EVER EVER let someone put their hands on us. My daddy would kill anyone who would ever hurt us. I am just very thankful to have grown up with a family as great as mine is. I can't help but feel horrible for anyone who would ever grow up in an atmosphere like that. Unfortunately, I can't help but realize that there are families like that out there and that really breaks my heart. I will make ABSOLUTELY sure that my children will never feel the way this little girl does in this book.

I know that was a long ramble about a book but I'm really upset with the ending. Read the book because it is worth reading, it's just hard to read without listening to hymns playing in the background to remind you that Jesus loves me.

Song of the Night: Young Love by Wynonna Judd

She was sitting crossed legged on a hood of a ford
Filing down her nails with a emory board
Talking to her friends about people they knew
And allof the things that young girls do
When she said you see that guy in the baseball cap
I'd like to spend some time with a boy like that
Betty said I seen him at the hardware store
I think his name is Billy, but i'm not sure
And as they talked a little while he passed by
She smiled at him he just said "hi"
He was thinking to him self as he walked away
Man I'd like to find a girl like her someday

(Chorus)

Young love, strong love, true love
It's a new love
Their gonna make it through the hard times
Walk those lines

Young love
We'll she just couldn't stop her self from thinking about him
And at a store downtown she saw him again
she had both hands full
He held open the door
Said my name is Billy
I've seen you before
Can I help you with these
Can I give you a ride
Can I take you out on a Saturday night
She didn't have to say what she was feeling inside
He could see the answer shining in her eyes

(Chorus)

We'll from that day on
You couldn't keep them apart
They were side by side, heart to heart
Momma cried as Billy slipped the ring on her hand
And when the baby was born she was crying again
Well he worked real hard and put some money down
On a little old house at the edge of town
And that night as he held her he couldn't believe
That god had made a girl that he'd never ever leave

(Chorus)

She was sitting crossed legged on the hood of a ford
Filing down her nails with an emory board

My family

I've decided that I have the best family on the face of the planet!

I called my Grandma Parsons tonight and she was giving me a recipe for her pecan pie. I made one tonight and it didn't turn out. :( I've always known that I have a great family, but I was reminded that I am loved tonight. I really miss them... all of them! I need to go home soon.

Yoke of slavery...

No, this is not an actual "slavery" blog, I think everyone knows that I don't like to talk about that part of history. This is in reference to a passage from Galatians.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

I keep thinking more and more about my Chapter Retreat testimony and the idea of being a slave to something, whether it be physical or emotional. For me, I have been a slave to fitting into a certain category. Not that categories are all bad or that it isn't good to know yourself, but when it becomes an obsession, that's a problem. In all honesty, there are very few people's opinions that mean anything to me. I've always been the person who is like, "well that's you're opinion, get over it". But at the same time, I have struggled with the portrait of myself that I allow the world to see. The slavery I've been under is mental more than anything else.

I have been a slave to being "moral" (whatever that looks like), I have been a slave to being humble (to the point of not taking credit for anything), I have been a slave to outwardly appearing whole, while my insides are ripped apart. This is not meant to be a depressing blog, because I'm moving past all of that!.. But it came to the point that I couldn't handle being moral anymore (and I wanted to test God on that one), I didn't want to be humble (I felt like I deserved to take credit for the good things I did), I showed my brokenness and I acted on it (sometimes to my detriment).

I'm amazed at how construed the image of myself became. I went from one extreme to another. Unfortunately this wasn't much more freeing. I found myself completely unhappy there too. I feel like when I look back I see that God wants me to take these things in moderation. Morality is good, but it can also be a major turn off if you are "all high and mighty acting". I've never felt like I'm a stuck up, but I ***Know*** for a fact that I am afraid to act the fool. I am so easily embarrassed it isn't even funny and I am plagued by my memories of times when I have felt completely embarrassed. I know that sounds silly, but I never wanted to be laughed at, which is usually why I stay out of the center of attention, even to this day.

Having grown up not being razor thin has had an effect on me. I'm not huge by any means, but I don't want to be looked at. My self confidence is definitely lacking in many areas but I think the hardest thing for me is to feel loved. That's never been a problem with my family because we are so touchy feely. Jesus has been pounding at my heart with this. He wants me to let him love me and to show me how others want to love on me in a different way. My self confidence has also been a hindrance in my relationships with guys. Yes, I want that intimate feeling but I have a hard time trusting that a guy would want me because he loves me and not just for other things... (You get the picture).

I see these godly men (who are by no means perfect) and I want them to hold me and look at me like I feel Jesus looks at me. I want to look at him in the same way. Maybe that sounds like a fairy tale, but I think it's real. There is so much of me that I feel the need to share but finding the courage to bring everything out in the open is always hard.

Praise the Lord that I'm doing better. I'm finding my peace and I'm working on my relationship with God. I'm far from getting it down, but I'm still around. I'm still seeking and looking. I still want answers that I might not ever get, but that doesn't keep me from wanting them. I feel like Jesus answers every single prayer that we ask of him, it just isn't the answer we want. But then again, do we always give him the answers he wants...??

Just in case you didn't know.. I love hymns and I'll throw them in frequently.. :)

Song of the day.. There is Power in the Blood

Would you be free from the burden of sin?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Would you o’er evil a victory win?
There’s wonderful power in the blood.

Refrain

There is power, power, wonder working power
In the blood of the Lamb;
There is power, power, wonder working power
In the precious blood of the Lamb.

Would you be free from your passion and pride?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Come for a cleansing to Calvary’s tide;
There’s wonderful power in the blood.

Refrain

Would you be whiter, much whiter than snow?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Sin stains are lost in its life giving flow.
There’s wonderful power in the blood.

Refrain

Would you do service for Jesus your King?
There’s power in the blood, power in the blood;
Would you live daily His praises to sing?
There’s wonderful power in the blood.

Refrain

A room of my own...

Just in case you're wondering... I'm not only talking about my room, but I'm also referencing the famous modernist writer, Virginia Woolf.

I have had a day filled with Economics and English literature. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day so I'm taking a moment to stop and reflect on my room. I definitely believe that the room is an extension of the self. There are so many character traits that you can pick out about a person by the type of room they keep and how it is decorated. So naturally, I'm observing my own. My bed is simple, a blue down comforter, 2 white down pillows, a throw pillow, and the quilt I made for myself. My walls all have something on them, mainly pictures. There are those I have loved, those I have never known, those I respect and admire and they each add a little character to my room. I have butterflies scattered throughout my room because they are my favorite and remind me of home in the summer time. Overall, I would describe my room as comfortable and warm. A place to retreat to from the harsh outside world.

I think one of the most interesting parts of my room are the pictures. I have so many of them and I want them plastered everywhere. It is comforting to have the faces of those whom I have loved, looking at me. I think it shows how much I admire the people who have influenced me in some way or another and their display serves as a constant reminder that God has never left my side.
So even though I'm stressing out and worrying, when I look at my pictures and go through my photo albums, I find relief in my sanctuary. A room of my own.

Song of the night: Farther Along (Hymn Brad Paisley Sings)

Tempted and tried, we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long,
While there are others living about us,
Never molested, though in the wrong.
Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.

When death has come and taken our loved ones,
It leaves our home so lonely and drear,
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year.


Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.

Faithful til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait,
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweet through the beautiful gate.


Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.

When we see Jesus, coming in glory,
When He comes from His home in the sky,
Then we shall meet Him in that bright mansion,
We'll understand it all by and by.


Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why;
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.

Weekend whirls...

This weekend was not the greatest one known to man, but it wasn't the worst either. Unfortunately, my stomach decided to pull one of its stunts and screw itself up royally for most of the weekend. Usually, I know the culprit, but this time I'm at a loss. It still isn't great but it is better than what it was. I think it might be the stress of this upcoming week. I have a LOT to do. I'm just praying that I get through Tuesday in one piece. I have a test and a lot of reading that will be due on Tuesday and I might lose my mind before the time comes....

I did get to spend some time with my favorite Jennie and the deet crew, which was AMAZING.

Also this weekend while I was piled up in my bed, I spent quite a lot of time with Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman for a marathon 3 days.. So among some reading, dozing off while reading, watching DQMW, managing to go to work for a while, finally feeling good enough to go out with my friends like I should have been able to do all along, studying for my econ exam, and beginning to write 0ne of the two memoirs that I have to do, I still don't feel very productive or good about this weekend.

Ok, enough complaining and moaning... life goes on and class begins again tomorrow. I really need to get on some things and hopefully it will all work out.

SMILE!!! It's all we can do!

Song of the night: "What God Hath Promised"

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

Refrain

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

Refrain

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain rocky and steep,
Never a river turbid and deep.

Refrain

The walk of SHAME...

In case you don't know, I titled this blog "The walk of SHAME" in honor of the people I saw walking in their Halloween costumes to South Campus at 10:00 this morning. I sincerely hope they had a great time. NEXT TOPIC

So, I'm working on the testimony for Chapter Retreat and I have my topic; I have some thoughts; I have some words; I have some scripture, but now I HAVE to string them all together and make a coherent testimony. I remember South Chapter Retreat (throw back to before the times of 1 chapter) and how impressive and influencing the Seniors were... I definitely just had an "I'm getting old" moment. I feel like I have a lot to say but I have got to make it concise to make my point... there definitely is a point (contrary to what some might say).

On another note.. I have to write two more memoirs for my English classes so, I now need two more topics from my life. Honestly, I'm not that interesting so it might be a struggle to pull out 8 pages worth of stuff. My first two memoirs were really good and I want to keep raising the bar, so I need to get hoppin.

So this is obviously this is a blog of random thoughts today, so here is another one. I love Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (I mean really... how could you not). So, my friend Kelli allowed me to borrow season 1 and season 2 of Dr. Quinn. Needless to say, I spent all of last night watching 6 episodes (spread out, naturally). So for any of you that want to know what to get me for Christmas, a season of Dr. Quinn would be PERFECT... hint hint. Just in case you're wondering why I like Jane Seymour so much, it's because she is classy. She reminds me of two of my other favorite actresses, Julie Andrews and Deborah Kerr. She was also best friends with June Carter Cash, whom I love and adore! You can see June and Johnny in a few Dr. Quinn episodes.


Song of the day: "Me and Bobby McGhee" ~ Sung by Janice Joplin, written by Kris Kristofferson

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waitin' for a train
And I's feelin' near as faded as my jeans
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained
It rode us all the way into New Orleans
I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana
I's playin' soft while Bobby sang the blues, yeah
Windshield wipers slappin' time, I's holdin' Bobby's hand in mine
We sang every song that driver knew, yeah

 Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
 Nothin' don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free, no no
 And feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues
 You know, feelin' good was good enough for me
 Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee

From the Kentucky coal mine to the California sun
There Bobby shared the secrets of my soul
Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done
Yeah, Bobby baby kept me from the cold
One day up near Salinas, Lord, I let him slip away
He's lookin' for that home and I hope he finds it
But I'd trade all o' my tomorrows for one single yesterday
To be holdin' Bobby's body next to mine

 Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
 Nothin', that's all that Bobby left me, yeah
 But if feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues
 Hey, feelin' good was good enough for me, mm-hmm
 Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee

La-da-da  La-da-da-da  La-da-da da-da da-da
La-da-da da-la-da la-da, Bobby McGee, yeah
La-da-la-da-la-da  La-da-la-da-da
La-da-la-da-la-la, Bobby McGee, yeah
La-da-da  La-da-da La da-da La da-da
La-da-da La da-da La da-da
Hey, my Bobby, Lord, my Bobby McGee, yeah
Lo-da-lo  da-la-lo-da-la
Lo-da-la-lo  da-la-lo la-la-lo la-la-lo la-la
Hey, my Bobby, Lord, my Bobby McGee, yeah

Lord, I call him my lover, call him my man
I said I call him my lover, did the best I can, c'mon
Hey now Bobby now, hey now Bobby McGee, yeah
La-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-la
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee, Lord!

La-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la-da la
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee, yeah

Halloween

In honor of the biggest holiday in Chapel Hill, I'm writing in orange. :)

So far today, I've seen an astronaut, Jessie from Toy Story, a Rapper carrying a boom box (real original), and someone with purple hair (that might be normal though). I'm extremely sorry to say that I will not be joining the 70,000 people who flood Franklin Street. I know that I probably should go, but I do not have the money or the time to really put together a good costume. Beyond that though, I hate being in crowds. I become very VERY anxious and nervous. Although I was amongst the crowd on Franklin Street for the National Championship, I was also groped and moved down the street without my feet touching the ground at times. It's a little more than I can handle. Some of my friends are having parties and I might go, but it's doubtful.

So, my hat's off to all of you venturing into the drunken crowds of slutty bumble bees, slutty lady bugs, slutty nurses, and John Edwards look alike politicians. Be careful what you do, because they are sure to show up on facebook.

Song for the day: "She's an Eagle When She Flies"- Dolly Parton

Shes been there, God knows, shes been there
She has seen and done it all
Shes a woman, she know how to
Dish it out or take it all
Her hearts as soft as feathers
Still she weathers stormy skies
And shes a sparrow when shes broken
But shes an eagle when she flies
A kaleidoscope of colors
You can toss her around and round
You can keep her in you vision
But youll never keep her down
Shes a lover, shes a mother
Shes a friend and shes a wife
And shes a sparrow when shes broken
But shes an eagle when she flies

Gentle as the sweet magnolia
Strong as steel, her faith and pride
Shes an everlasting shoulder
Shes the leaning post of life
She hurts deep and when she weeps
Shes just as fragile as a child
And shes a sparrow when shes broken
But shes an eagle when she flies

Do Lord, oh do Lord, do remember me

I think we all have times when we feel like we might be the most insignificant creatures on the face of the planet. It seems like we have so much control, but suddenly, we lose it. The realization hits that you are so far from being in control of any aspect of your life.

Tonight my Bible study was in the book of James. It's a book I've been through before, but like anything, I always see something new every time I read it. Tonight, the focus was on faith and works. So often, I have felt like I don't do enough of one or both of these things. Tonight however, I heard something that really opened some doors. It isn't necessarily about how much of each one that you do, James is writing about how one completes the other. Because of my faith, my works will be influenced and because of my work my faith will be influenced. Overall, it was a great night and dinner went well. I'm really excited about the rest of this year!

Song of the night: "Always on My Mind" ~ Willie Nelson

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
satisfied

Little things I should have
Said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind....

Songs you need to hear before you die..

So I love a good song.. one with some deep meaning. Two of my new favorites are "Pick the Wildwood Flower" by Johnny Cash and "I'll Pray for you" by Sara Evans. Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood music is the only thing that calms me. So here are the song lyrics from Sara Evans.... As for Johnny Cash, if you don't take time to download it, then you have officially lost 3 of the most productive moments of your life. So here they are...

Sometimes I wish I could run home to mama's lovin' arms
In the springtime, when the weather's fine
Sittin' with her on the porch, glass of tea and nothin' more
Than her smile, for just a little while
And when I don't know where to go
I think of home and how you use to sing to me, she sang

Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you

Wild horses and fairy tales sometimes turn into somethin' else
That you never saw comin' at you at all
So I guess I'm callin' just because he wasnt who I thought he was
And I can't believe he stopped lovin' me
So, when I'm feelin' all alone
I think of home and how you used to sing to me

Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you


I got babies of my own
And I'm the one that they're countin' on to be here
For every little tear, and I'll sing

Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you

Poetry

"I hate it" pretty much sums up my feelings of angst and frustration with poets. For the most part, I understand the poetry that is written in "English" but as for Coleridge, I don't think so. Well I take that back, I kinda "get" it but this poetry definitely does not read like a dime novel. Which is highly unfortunate because I try to think as little as possible when I read.. :) So, I'm in Davis (again) reading and attempting to use my brain that is shrinking by the minute to figure out what's going on in these poems. Unfortunately, the hard drive in my brain needs to be replaced because it is full and really slow.. So if anyone would be interested in shedding light in my darkness that would be greatly appreciated. Other than that, Life's Good!





My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ. Colossians 2:2

RAIN!!!

So it's raining here and I think we should all go celebrate. Get pumped!!

Recent developments in my life:
I've been spending an increasing amount of time in Davis Library...
I have an itch on my foot that I can't get to go away...
I've been having a glorious week filled with lots of fun!

I'm really excited about going home for Thanksgiving... But before that is CHAPTER RETREAT!!
Supposedly, I'm going to be giving a testimony so I'm going to begin writing that. I still can't decide if I want to do anything for Halloween, so if anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Time for bed. :)